WINTER SOLSTICE SMUT
Time to burn those metaphorical bikinis and let your inner light warm you up!
"When freedom is outlawed, only outlaws will be free": that’s a graffito seen in Anacortes, and I love that. There are outlaw maps that lead to outlaw treasures, and I love those maps especially. Unwilling to wait for mankind to improve, the outlaw lives as if that day were here,
and I love that most of all.
Criminals, because they’re plagued with guilt, often will surrender and go quietly.
Outlaws, because they’re pure, never will.”
-Tom Robbins, Still Life With Woodpecker
as one jacked bro at the Roosevelt pool once said to another jacked bro at the Roosevelt pool:
"You know I would never do that to you, man. You know I’m your bro."
In the spirit of true bromance, let’s not ever do that to each other. Let’s be bros. A planet of bros.
Bros who love their bros.
VETERANS DAY SMUT
what’s more American than guns*, booze (smuggling booze especially), and the mystical Anazasi fertility god Kokopelli***?
*notice mine is fake**
**i only endorse fake guns (and obviously biceps)
***dear new mexico— if you want to do something about the rampant teenage pregnancy, take down all the god damn kokopellis everywhere
peace peace peace
WHICH WITCH SMUT
Happy Halloween everyone!
Here’s to the one day of the year when we all come together to collectively think about magic and witches and slutty bitches.*
*”slutty bitches” clearly refers to both men and women and everything in between (that means you, slutty concepts!)
On Halloween, everyone dresses up like magical creatures or undead mystical shit. This is as awe-inspiring to me as it is ugh-inspiring because of the aspect of make-believe. We all come together to “pretend” to be slutty mystical magical creatures, but…. aren’t we?
WHIMSICAL TEDDY SMUT
While it’s not politically correct or generally appropriate to fashion bears as “sexy” (but it is ok to call a slutty piece of lingerie a “Teddy”*), having a bear as a spirit animal is pretty hot.
*Teddy on the show Nashville is so hot**
**The entire cast of the show Nashville is so hot***
***Anyone who is a fan of Nashville is so hot****
****Humanity is so hot
Its the same light that keeps us glancing across the room at a stranger that makes it so mesmerizing to stare into the sun. People are as sexy and as mystical as all the stars in the sky. Sometimes when people find each other sexy (or themselves incredibly drunk), an entirely new universe is created (sometimes deliberately, sometimes “accidentally,” always divinely.) In this new universe exists love and pain and Bigfoot legends and stories of mermaids and murder. We are all of the things, the scary bear and the child’s favorite teddy bear.
But it’s still pretty uncool to call bears sexy.
Shout out to all my hot bros whose spirit animals are bears. (Mine is a raven. A cunty raven.)
1. “if” time’s not real, you can’t tell me it’s not summer in October — actually, you can’t even really tell me it’s October.
2. the rosé i’m experiencing here is called “Whispering Angel”
a. we are surrounded by angels (do i mean people? or actual angels? or both?)
b. you’ve never lived until you’ve had a cholo named Angel whisper into your ear
c. the angels told me to tell you that we should all keep following the fun
Once upon a time (2008) in Albuquerque, a young man walked into a gas station. The Native American clerk, who had a mohawk AND a rat’s tail, asked the young man who he planned to vote for in the upcoming election.
The young man looked from the clerk’s eyes, down to his own man purse, and back to the clerk’s eyes, as if to say “I have a fuckin’ murse, clearly I’m voting for Obama.”
But, instead he sassed, “Uh….. Obama?”
The clerk replied, “Many curses upon you.”
The young man worked 2 more years at a T-Mobile* call center AND is one of my best friends.**
So who the fuck are you to say magic isn’t real?
*if that’s not a curse i don’t know what is
**see above ;)
Guys, we fucking made it. The Fall 2013 Equinox happened. Wonderful! It’s the harvest time, the “sweater weather time,” (though unfortunately I seem to have forgotten how to dress warm AND slutty), holiday season time (ugh/yay), Seasonal Depression Time? It’s about to get cold as fuck. No fear, The Daily Smut for Seasonal Depression is here. There’s nothing to fear but imagine if I had to get a real job one day? jk
Here’s the real deal. Whether or not “Seasonal Affective Disorder” is real or a bullshit excuse (both, like all of my favorite things) some people are having a hard time. What can we do about it? Make everything fuck as fuck, that’s what. The time is now, so get out that metaphorical and/or literal sage and witches broom and get ready to witch some fun into our collective reality. (Am I the only one that wants to recreate the Disco era?! ROLLERSKATES GUYS, FUCKING ROLLERSKATES! and bikinis)
I’d like to point out that I’ve never read an Eckart Tolle anything but I’m not a fucking idiot. ”Now” is rad. But like now now. Do something today that makes you totally happy, even for just a moment (because what the fuck is “time” anyway)
OF COURSE a lot of tragic, terrible, awful things are happening in this world. I know. We all know. We want to do something about it. When I’m having the worst day of my life, which, technically we’ve all had a best and a worst thus far, the only thing that has ever possibly made me feel even a tiny bit better is laughing. At something. Anything. Maybe it’s dark. Maybe it’s sarcastic. Maybe it’s silly and childish. Maybe it’s whatever.* “If” everything is energy, then “maybe” the best thing we could all do is set off Mother Earth’s vibes with some true joy & love.
*(May I present this collection of jackass photos of almost-my-nipples?)
Final thought: What if life was just like a video game? How fucking intense/fun/amazing would that be? A spiritual, sardonic, challenging, beautiful, cathartic, orgasmic game? What might it take to level-up?
Love, and cheers to the only thing getting fatter about us over the winter being our auras/dicks..